Having a random hookup so left but love u
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
