Taylor Swift is so right about you.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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