i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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