i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
