Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
