I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
