come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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