Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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