i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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