If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
