Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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