You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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