someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
