Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
