Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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