You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
