i think my mom watched the whole time
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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