My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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