You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
