i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize