Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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