I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
