Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
