just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
