Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
