I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
