T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
