I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize