i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
