We got so high we made milksteak
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
