she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we're making bets on your personal life
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
