if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
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