I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize