I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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