you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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