If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
