Someone shit on the floor
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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