I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
