Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
