saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
