who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
