gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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