what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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