just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
