Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize