I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize