a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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