Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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