His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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