When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
