My liver just broke up with me...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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