Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
