why didn't you poke me back
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
