I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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