He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
