What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
