Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We have so much sex to catch up on
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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