My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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